A mere five-years-old and I knew putting a boy and girl in a bed together was special. This dawned on me while watching Dirty Dancing, and feeling something new during their total PG sex scenes. I was a very bright kid growing up and I guess instead of excelling at math and science, my brain decided anatomy was way more important. Soon came the art of masturbation and like most adolescents, sex was on my mind from that point on.
However, unlike the kids attending Degrassi – I wasn’t getting any and continued on that path until my late very late 20’s. 2014 was a low point of my existence for numerous reasons but mostly because of work. Not too long before at the end of the summer the year prior I started working for a guy who wanted to start a music network on YouTube. Contacting artists, organizing shoots, coming up with interview questions – not to toot my own horn, but these are things I am pretty great at. While it was an okay paying job in a field I am most comfortable in, the man in charge was less than ideal. More on the business end of the spectrum than the creative, we did not get along. Often times he accused me of being lazy, stupid or sometimes a mixture of the two. I was staying up late at night finding solace in syndicated comedies when I decided to hop on a dating site. Comikaze had done a panel on singles and the site they promoted sounded interesting enough.
Fast forward to the cherry being popped, a heart being broken and a girl with too much time who felt like shit and you got a recipe for quite the adventure in sex 101. I want to fast forward even further to months down the line after I quit the horrible job, stopped sleeping with every guy with an OKCupid profile and found my guy. I didn’t really realize why I’d been so quick to just spread my legs for anyone during that summer until one night the following January when I heard Buddy Nielsen of Senses Fail talk about his sexual escapades. He mentioned the idea of control and how in those moments when he’d be with this person or that, he felt in control of the situation. I wanted to stand up, cheer and say a loud as fuck “amen” like a woman in a Southern Baptist Church, but I refrained and quietly realized feeling like shit about my own life for various reasons that previous summer and being treated like absolute shit by an employer, I just wanted some control over something, anything and 14-year-old me would have been very surprised to learn it’d be sex. 14-year-old me wanted sex, but 14-year-old me believed it’d never happen.
Before I reached kindergarten I became familiar with the overall idea of sex, by middle school I’d completed a MA in masturbation and come adulthood I found some sort of chaotic comfort in the control that comes with sex. It didn’t lead me to great places, but at the time it was healing. Is this what crackheads feel like after they sober up? Looking back at that summer I learned a lot and got my fill, but looking back I also have a handful of regrets that came with sex. Even at that age I wasn’t mature enough for some of the aspects that come with the act of. Nevertheless, every road has it’s bumps and with each it brought me closer and closer to the man that makes me feel like I’m never making a mistake with my choices. Now when I have a horrendous day of work, he’s my rock – not some random stranger at 2am from an app.