The Fear and Narcissism of Death

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News stories about cars going off the road and plowing down pedestrians. Those make me the most cautious walker ever. I am constantly fearful when I go down the street to Target because as much as you trust yourself, you cannot be too sure of the speeding cars passing by. One bad driver and that’d be it. I’d be dead and then what? The idea of not being here tomorrow mixed with the fact that we just don’t know if there’s anything after our lights go out – FEAR. Death is my number one after gorillas and alligators (they’re tied and look – my fear of them came way before their 2016 breaking news). Perhaps because it’s so permanent, but possibly because I’d be missing out on what came after I was gone.

That’s the thing, there’s a narcissistic element to death on multiple levels. A couple of years ago I did not want to die because Backstreet Boys were doing an amazing tour and I had great tickets. How could I possibly want that to happen without me? Thinking of passing away and your family being sad, but then getting over it and going on with their lives – who wants that? I mean, yeah – we don’t want them to grieve forever, but still…how dare they not mourn me forever! On the flip side, have you ever noticed that when someone dies, people more often than not will make it about themselves? Like say your friend’s aunt passed, they’d likely say, “Man, I remember when we did this and that and so forth and so on,” or, “I can’t believe this happened to me…” Like um, okay – well you’re not the one who is dead. Really though, the next time someone passes away, take note of how people react.

Ironically, back to me. Maybe if I knew there was something after death, that’d make it less daunting. Plus, there’s the fact that I’ve yet to say goodbye to someone I consider close. Selfishly, I don’t want to live in a world where my mom and dad aren’t a phone call away and I cannot hear their stupid laughs as they make fun of me for something like my lack of cooking skills or how I won’t “dress like a grown up.” Then I think of a guy like James and how he lost his BFF. Uh, no. How could I go on without being able to text mine about Orange is the New Black for a week every year? Also, how could they go on without me? It’s a self-involved idea all around, but scary nonetheless.

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