The amount of emails I’ve sent with my ever changing resume has to be close to 39,343. Okay, maybe I’m off by one or two but the fact is that if the amount of emails that have “Kendra resume” in my history is correct – I’ve applied to at least one job a day since graduating college, and because I can remember almost every interview I’ve gone on since 2009, my response rate isn’t too impressive. With all that, I can tell you that when it comes to landing jobs – I am more qualified to teach astrophysics. However, looking? I am the master…mainly because I’ve just been at it for way too many years now.
You can read a dozen or so “How to Land the Perfect Job” articles and still come up short, because in reality I’m not sure if there is a perfect system to go about getting hired. Have an impressive resume? I thought mine was pretty good until a hiring manager at BuzzFeed was nice enough to spend 15 minutes with me over the phone going over everything I was doing wrong on it and my cover letter. I cleaned it up – but that was recently, and since then I’ve only gotten one response and it was from an asshole that made me pitch x-amount of story ideas, write a handful out, then never even responded with why I wasn’t a fit. Like Chandra said yesterday – at least give someone a quick response so they can mentally move on from the idea of being hired by your company.
Resumes being rejected aside, when I have managed to get an interview…Oh lord, I am so bad that I call myself the interview terrorist because I always manage to blow them up, and it’s gotten way worse in recent years since becoming a hermit. I spend about 10 hours a day alone with only Wendy Williams and the girls of The Real to talk to during the day, so when I do have an interview – it’s like I’ve never had human contact before. Small talk makes my skin crawl and when you ask me where I see myself in five years (really though, stop asking that stupid ass question – you don’t care where I’ll be then), I stumble because I can’t even lie about the answer. Shit, I don’t even know where I’ll be next week. Then I think, do they mean physically or mentally? Physically I don’t know – if I don’t get this job, I may be back at my mom’s because I won’t be able to pay rent. If they mean mentally, well – I’ll likely be suffering from crippling depression from living at my mom’s in my 30’s. Do you think either answer would suffice? If so, I am going to just go with them the next time I’m asked this dumb question.
That’s not to say I’ve been without work all these years. I’ve managed to find this and that thanks to a lot of writing jobs not requiring a face to face encounter before hiring. Plus, I did find a once-a-week gig helping a teacher grade and file. That has really opened me up to dealing with humans more on a regular basis. Plus, he likes to listen to me talk about the topic of this blog each week. It’s comforting saying this stuff out loud once a week instead of just talking to myself about it with TMZ on in the background.
The search for stable employment has been my reality since walking that stage at CSUN and getting handed over a diploma in Humanities. Really, just take that degree away – all these years later and I still can’t explain to you what those classes were all about. Anyways, I continue to take advice from people like the hiring manager at BuzzFeed, and Chandra of Ed2010 and I really hope that with my spruced up resume and the idea of an interview just being a first date – I can own the next interview that comes my way without word vomit spewing everywhere.